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Been trying to write this for some time now, a bit of confession and rant. Depressed and tired as always, please ignore it. Just wanted to take it out of my chest. Writing here helps to think.
I am a very envious person. Never asked for anything in life, don't have any dreams for the future, just wanted to be able to draw. Toke me a long time to figure that I don't have the knack (or the discipline) for it. Just have some skill that I learned from all those years, but that don't seem to be enough. I have been stuck for a long time now. Just feel envious of all the people who can do it. It is a very stupid thing to feel. People that are around this site for a long time, newer people, all of them seem to improve. I can only envy that at the current stage of my life.
Quitting this art stuff would be simpler, and I wish I could do that now. Why do I even come regularly to this site? Does a person really need all that masturbatory material and visual references for RPG campaigns that never will happen? It's not like I would be missed or something. I have been cutting my time expended on social medias, but always come back here. Habit, I think.
Why can't I quit? Quitting and forgeting stuff is one the few things that I do well. I will never be near as good as the people that inspired me in the first place, not even "acceptable". At the same time I can't quit, at least not for a long time. Fuck, I don't know. Maybe I have been messing with this stuff for too much time to stop now.
I am a very envious person. Never asked for anything in life, don't have any dreams for the future, just wanted to be able to draw. Toke me a long time to figure that I don't have the knack (or the discipline) for it. Just have some skill that I learned from all those years, but that don't seem to be enough. I have been stuck for a long time now. Just feel envious of all the people who can do it. It is a very stupid thing to feel. People that are around this site for a long time, newer people, all of them seem to improve. I can only envy that at the current stage of my life.
Quitting this art stuff would be simpler, and I wish I could do that now. Why do I even come regularly to this site? Does a person really need all that masturbatory material and visual references for RPG campaigns that never will happen? It's not like I would be missed or something. I have been cutting my time expended on social medias, but always come back here. Habit, I think.
Why can't I quit? Quitting and forgeting stuff is one the few things that I do well. I will never be near as good as the people that inspired me in the first place, not even "acceptable". At the same time I can't quit, at least not for a long time. Fuck, I don't know. Maybe I have been messing with this stuff for too much time to stop now.
Devious Journal Entry
My last throughts for this year and the last ones for a little while.
Been feeling unexpected depressed today, my hopes and dreams never reached a pointo soo low. It not like I lost something, like I talked in the last journal, now I know that. I just got the realization this year that trying, for my case at least, is useless. Most of the time now, thinking about art makes me feel empty. It sounds too dramatic, and I will regret typing that, but it is the only way I can describe it.
I just wished I could accept my failure and move on, but I can't do it. Being a failure in the only thing I wished to do in my life is really hard. But, oh well
Devious Journal Entry
Just a bunch of random depressive throughts.
Had a good week some time back, got some cool pen skecths, but that is over now. Feeling like shit again. Still can't find that old joy about drawing again knowing that I suck soo much.
Maybe I can't improve because I am a terrible person.
I have been dying inside of envy about a certain person on this site lately. Someone that just started doing muscle stuff some months ago is already soo much better than I could ever be.
This person is a great artist, and should rightfully be praised by that.
I am just a stupid autodestructive neurotic for feeling like that.
This year will complete ten y
Ten years
Oh man, I feel tired. Really tired now, and not better than the last journal. Wished to have something new to show but I have nothing. Just going to rant today about my failures because it helps me to feel better.
This account completed nine years in October 20th, soo it seens to be ten years since I started to study this art business. Man, that's a long time. I had hope and energy back there, not soo much now. I still suck at the only thing I really wanted to do and can't see that changing in the near future.
I know what you have to do, train everyday and all that stuff, but I am really tired of everything now. I reached that point after a
Ranting while listening to the Blue Oyster Cult
Hmm, random title.
Right to the point: I lost my drive in art. I had soo much of it years ago, but I am soo tired nowadays that I can't get nothing done. Maybe it is the realization of my total lack of talent and the feeling that my skills reached it's peak at a really low point. The feeling that I should have started to train at a younger age and it is too late for me now.
Earlier this year (when was it, a little after Easter?) I tried to change perspectives and tried to fuel my drive with my jealousy and hate to get something done. It worked for a time, I feeled really better for some months, but that is over. I think that hate burn too f
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You're the only one who can decide what to do with his own artwork and his own works. If you need to quit then we can't stop you but at the same time you are a great artist and you should just do what your passion is in. I have been going through crisis on my own and I guess I've gained more clarity while have become all the more hurt in the process, but that's life I suppose. All we can do is just support whatever decision you go with and hope for the best.